Breaking the Deprivation Cycle to Be in Control
You know you shouldn’t have that piece of cake, the Girl Scout cookies or the candy that is calling your name, but you just can’t help yourself. You just have to have some. The next thing you know, you’ve eaten more than you wanted and now you are feeling a bit full and guilty. Once again you just couldn’t seem to stay in control around food. Has this happened to you recently – like over the holidays?
Feeling out of control around food can happen to the best of us, and right now it is happening to a great many people who have tried so hard to stick to their New Year’s resolutions and are giving in to their forbidden foods. Succumbing to what isn’t on a diet is inevitable. The more you try to force yourself to resist something you want and believe you shouldn’t have, the more you rebel against that restriction. Have you ever noticed that when you are deprived of something, you want it all the more?
Rebelling is a valid emotional reaction to being deprived of your needs and wants. It isn’t just “what you resist, persists,” although that universal law certainly plays a role. It is the battle between your inner voices, where one part of you is determined to enforce the restrictions you believe are necessary, and another part of you rebels against that enforcement and doesn’t frankly care about your rules.
You can almost hear your inner child or rebel’s voice when you go for that cookie or candy saying, “I don’t care; I’m going to have it anyway. You can’t stop me”. That emotional part of you drowns out your parental enforcer voice that is strongly reminding you not to eat foods believed to be on the forbidden foods list. In fact, the louder and more controlling your enforcer gets, the more determined your “rebelling child” is to get what it wants. In the end, your rebelling child almost always gets the cake, cookies or candy, and usually in large quantities.
You may be thinking that the only way to control your behavior around food you shouldn’t have is to give your enforcer a bigger stick, but that only causes your rebelling child to act out even more and leads to bingeing. You’ve probably tried getting tougher on yourself to behave. Yet as hard as you may have tried, most likely your “good” behavior didn’t last and you succumbed and gave in. The more you beat yourself up for being “bad”, the more likely you continue that “bad” behavior.
The reason is emotional. If you harshly judge yourself and feel bad or guilty for eating what you shouldn’t, you will eat to push away the bad feelings, to prove yourself right that you are bad and to find a way of feeling good.
The way to be in control around food is to stop judging your behavior and foods. Instead of believing any food is bad, recognize that it is the quantity of a food that becomes problematic. If you love a certain type of cookie, give yourself permission to have it with a balanced meal and enjoy it. By giving yourself permission, you are taking care of your inner child’s needs and giving yourself satisfaction and pleasure. There is nothing wrong with that. In fact, by giving yourself permission to have any food you want whenever you want it, you will find you don’t really want all that much of it. You’ve removed the power of the food and the enforcer’s role of trying to control you.
It is when you are depriving yourself that you are emotionally compelled to make up for being deprived. This is true whether you think you should be deprived of ever having the food again, will surely be deprived because of an upcoming diet, have just been deprived having stopped a diet, or were deprived in your past. Many people are overeating foods they were once unable to have, even as far back as fifty years ago. An older man in one of my audiences wanted to know what he could do about overeating desserts every night. It turns out he grew up in the depression when sugar was rationed and he seldom got desserts. He is still compelled to make up for having been deprived of the desserts he wanted as a kid.
Pay attention to the foods you are trying to restrict and notice how this affects your behavior. Then try giving yourself permission to have that food in moderation and see if you really want all that much of it. You’ll be amazed by what happens.
Seven Strategies for Managing Everyday Stressors
Life is challenging. We all know that. What we don’t often know is how to manage our reactions to everyday stressors. And, in general, it is those reactions that tend to make things feel bigger and harder, or smaller and more manageable. Here are a few suggestions that might be helpful in soothing your anxiety, and putting your next challenge into a less stressful perspective.
* Consider the bigger picture.
Often in ‘the grand scheme of things’, the thing we’re upset about is really quite insignificant. It is our habit to React. When we can remember the bigger picture, and question whether this is worth getting upset over, we are more able to peacefully meet ‘life on life’s terms’.
* Question your inner self-talk.
All of us have inner voices. Under stress, those voices can be judgmental and self-critical. But just because they’re loud and repetitive doesn’t mean they’re true. It helps to get a little distance from the noise, as if you were hearing a radio playing in another room. Then ask yourself if what it’s saying is really true, or a habit of thinking that only serves to create more suffering.
* Speak kindly to yourself.
Most of us tend to be quite harsh in our inner self-talk. Instead, try talking to yourself in a loving tone, as you might to a child, a pet or a cherished friend. You’re in relationship with yourself every moment for the rest of your life. You might as well makes friends with and treat yourself with kindness.
* Cultivate your inner Witness.
Usually when we’re feeling something distressing, we’re quick to name it and then react. Instead of saying, for example, “I’m scared,” try reporting the sensations you’re experiencing: ‘My breathing is shallow and quick. I feel butterflies in my stomach. My mouth is dry and my palms are moist. My eyes feel sore.’ Or better yet, “The breath is shallow and quick. There are butterflies in the stomach,” etc. When we report, we are noticing, instead of identifying ourselves as the feeling. We become less attached to what we’re experiencing and more able to calm ourselves and observe with interest and inquiry. Like, “Huh, what is this I’m experiencing? This is interesting . . . “
* Say “thank you”.
Most of us are very good at seeing the glass as half-empty. Begin noticing what you do have that’s worthy of your appreciation. Expressing gratitude is calming, and puts our perceived stressors in a different perspective.
* Smile.
Smiling literally stimulates different chemical reactions in the brain. These reactions physiologically contribute to our sense of well-being. Even if it doesn’t feel authentic in the moment, smile. It is quite likely to change your mood, and help you feel happier and more at peace.
* Practice makes perfect.
We are all beginners here. Especially when it comes to mastering the mind and changing our habits of self-care. Be compassionate and gentle in breaking your patterns. It is worth the effort to try and try again; to remember you are worth taking kind and loving care of.
Johanna Courtleigh, MA, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice in Lake Oswego, Oregon. She can be contacted at (503) 684-8481.
7 Steps to Rebuilding your Self-Esteem after Divorce by Lisa Fredette
The reason for and the process of divorce is as varied as the shape of snowflakes. There is however a commonality among most divorce survivors - low self-esteem. Almost everyone I have spoken to or have coached around divorce recovery have low self-esteem in common. Therefore, one of the first steps in divorce recovery should be rebuilding your self-esteem. How do you go about rebuilding your self esteem, especially during an emotionally low point such as divorce?
The answer to that question is easy – you choose to change. Okay, so the answer may be easy but the implementation may not be so easy, right?
You may assume that the most common approach may be to look at why you are suffering from such low self-esteem, but I beg to differ. The truth is that you do suffer from low self-esteem – how you got to this point is not relevant because it has already happened – can’t change that fact. All you can do is start from where you are now and decide where you want to go, so let’s get started.
Here are seven steps to help you rebuild your self-esteem
1. Surround yourself with positive people: negative people drag the people around them down and positive people motivate others to come up to their level of enthusiasm. So take a look at the people in your life – are they positive? If they are not positive people I recommend limiting or eliminating your association with these people as they will keep you stuck. Go in search for people who are positive and are living the life they love and surround yourself with them.
2. Take Risks: try something new, step outside of your comfort zone. Once you realize that you can succeed at whatever you try you will start to believe that you are good enough. If you can’t do it alone find a support buddy to try something new with or at least have them hold you accountable so you follow through when you start feeling uncomfortable.
3. Keep an Acknowledgement Journal: take the time to appreciate yourself and all that you do and contribute to the world. Begin writing down at least five things that you acknowledge yourself for doing each day, you will be amazed how wonderful you are – you just never took the time to look.
4. Make a commitment to change: you can choose to feel good or you can choose to feel bad about yourself and your life. What do you choose? Make the commitment to change your thinking today. Start appreciating what is right in the world and in your life and change the things that you don’t like or don’t want – stop being the victim and start taking action.
5. Change your Negative Self Talk: you know that voice in your head that tells you that you screwed up, that you’re not good enough or you’re stupid? Start telling that voice to shut up and start listening to the positive self talk. I challenge you to pay close attention to what you are telling yourself in any given situation; if it is negative find a way to turn it around into something positive. You learned how to talk negatively to yourself now teach yourself how to talk positively. Believe it or not it is a choice – will you live your life in negativity or will you shine in the light of positiveness?
6. Ask for support: if you find that you just can’t make these changes on your own, but are committed to change then ask others for support. Find a coach, minister or support group to help you learn to appreciate yourself for all your greatness and leave that negative self-esteem behind.
7. Take Action: start to get moving, whether you start walking, running, going to the gym or work out at home – just do something. Physical activity is a great way to make you feel better both physically and emotionally. Make the commitment to get moving today and before you know it you will see your self-esteem skyrocket and you may even be able to fit into your skinny jeans again, who knows. Wouldn’t hurt to find out, now would it?
If you choose to take action and begin implementing these seven steps into your daily life you will be amazed how quickly you can turn around your self esteem. Remember it is up to you to make the change – will you do it?
Lisa A. Fredette, Certified Life and Relationship Coach
Passionate About Life Coaching; http://www.lisafredette.com
Did You Quit Today by Pam Robertson
I used to call them a “quit day”. One of those days where everything seems to go wrong and the only thing I really wanted to do was quit! We can all have days like that from time to time, but if you find that you have them frequently, then it’s stock of where you’re at whether you own your own business or are working for someone else.
If you’ve lost interest in your job or the stress is piling up, sometimes our first reaction is to run away and there are times when that is the right thing to do. Other times, however, we are in the midst of a storm that has to be weathered, and we know if we can just get through the next few days or weeks, everything will work out for the better.
Next time you have a quit day, close your eyes for a moment and think about a point three months ahead. Is what’s going on today important in terms of what’s coming up? What will the mood at work be like? Who will you be working with, and what will be holding your interest? If you cannot see your work demands or stress load changing in that period of time, it may be time to think about some different options. If, however, you can see that the crisis will pass with no lasting effects, perhaps the best plan can be to weather the storm.
Here are three ways to weather the effects of a quit day:
· Remove yourself from the environment. Take a break at lunch or coffee time and get out of the building, even if the only place to go is for a walk around your building. Getting outside and out of recycled building air is a great way to refresh your internal batteries.
· Avoid griping. If things are going badly all over your workplace, it can be hard to get away from the negativity, so you may have to make an effort to avoid the kind of harmful chatter that can suck the energy out of you and the people that you care about. People feel better around positive energy, and if you can be that beacon when times are tough, you’ll feel better about what’s going on around you, and you will stand out as a leader.
Leave work at work. I know that for some of you more than others this can be really hard. It’s tough to do in some jobs, and also difficult when you own the business so you’ll have to be strong. Close the door to your office, or lock the door behind you, turn your cell phone off and do not check for any more email messages! Remember that distance is important to remain objective, fresh and revitalized, and it’s unlikely that taking a day away is actually going to cause anyone harm or do damage to the business.
When you have a quit day, one or all three of the actions above can have a positive and immediate impact. You may also find that the more that you and the people that you can about use these techniques, the fewer quit days any of you will have. You will weather this temporary storm and reap the rewards of your hard work because you were able to step back and take some time for yourself, and then return recharged and refreshed to embrace the work that’s underway.
Worry vs. Positive Imagination by Billie Willmon Jenkin
Having taught students of all ages, I feel it’s safe to say that the younger individuals generally are more attuned to full use of the imagination than the more “mature” in years. Well, that is, the younger ones tend to key-in readily to positive use of imagination.
It seems that as we age (unless we intentionally program ourselves otherwise), we lose much of our positive imagination. Instead we allow others’ misuse of imagination to osmose into our daily practice. The joyful, positive imagination we knew as children somehow degrades into dreaded visions and expectation offearful outcomes: worry. And worry is a skill many of us have perfected.
Having been reared by a perpetually worried mother, I was confused when I heard the words of Jesus of Nazareth: “Let not your hearts be troubled.” Huh? How can a person keep herself from worrying? The only people who don’t worry are those who don’t have enough sense to know what’s happening. Or so I thought.
Somewhere along my earthly timeline, though, I was introduced to the concept that what we resist, persists; what we focus on is what increases. Worry about – and focus on - that which we do not want is like drinking a fifth of tequila so we won’t get drunk. No muy intelligente, amiga!
Worry and resistance takes various forms. Sometimes the resistance shows up as fighting hard (by either pushing or pulling) against circumstances not under our control. For instance, couples who want a baby (but don’t conceive as quickly as they wish) often begin fretting over the lack of results. The more time that passes, the more intense the desire to conceive (aka: the resistance to infertility) increases. When a couple adopts a child, they cease focusing on conception. Wham! How often, then, such couples conceive when the resistance is gone. It’s as if the intense focus prevented their desires from being fulfilled.
Similarly, we have witnessed (or experienced) the futile efforts that the “pushing” form of resistance brings. Watch (or remember) a mother badgering a two-year-old to eat his spinach or chopped liver. The more she cajoles or focuses on resisting his will, the tighter he clenches his little jaws. Think about it: A two-year-old eats mud and boogers, for krisesake! Why can’t we human beings see that he’d eat spinach if he thought spinach and chopped liver were disallowed?
Let’s look within to find how our resistance is thwarting our desires. Recall the last few times that voice inside your head commented about the number on the bathroom scales or the contours of your naked body in the mirror. Or the last time it evaluated the way you spoke up (or failed to speak up) during a recent conversation. Does that ceaseless conversation criticize you for your current status? Is it possible that – try as you might – you are failing to see the changes you say you want in your life because the two-year-old inside your mind is resisting the changes that critical voice continually shames her for?
If indeed what we resist persists, then releasing resistance to the thing-that-is-but-we-wish-were-not is the first step toward affecting change. To release that resistance, some of us benefit by using our imagination. In my chapter in the Wake Up Women book, I share some thoughts about using positive imagination to create peace and purpose in situations that often trigger resistance.
A key way we can use our imagination to release the resistance that binds us is to begin seeing that “problem” simply as a wrapping, a package, for the gift it conceals. Whatever we’re facing, it’s impossible to stay miserable if we can honestly believe that a Gift lies within.
“I can hardly wait to open my gift! It’s going to be interesting to see how this turns out!”
-Billie Willmon Jenkin
What is Your Relationhip With Money by Deb Holder
The key to building wealth is about more than just changing your spending habits. The fundamental ingredient to getting out of debt and staying out of debt is to change your relationship with money.
What does money mean to you? Security? Happiness? Love? For most of us, the true meaning of currency goes deeper than a simple word or two. Money has an intrinsic meaning that isn’t always easily defined at first glance. In fact, most of us develop our relationship with money during childhood. The way our parents dealt with money as we were growing up has a direct effect on how we spend it today. If you have a dysfunctional relationship with cash, the first step to financial recovery is to learn what money really means to you.
For Cheri, money represented love. When she was a child, her parents showered her with gifts instead of telling her how much they loved her. Every time her father handed her money or her mother bought her a gift, Cheri felt loved. As she grew up, the acquisition of material things became a substitute for the warmth and nurturing she craved. It’s no surprise that by the time she hit her mid-twenties, she was overwhelmed by credit card debt. Even though she had a strong relationship with her boyfriend and a great job, she still needed to buy things to feel loved. In essence, stuff equaled happiness, but she could never buy enough stuff to fill the emotional void. Debt did have a huge pay-off for her, though. Every time she got into debt her father came to the rescue, and she felt loved again. It became an endless cycle.
Lisa, on the other hand, was told by her father that she would never amount to anything or have two nickels to rub together. That message stuck with her, and she was determined to be more than her father predicted. She became ultra-frugal and didn’t feel secure unless she had a sizeable savings account. By the time she was in her early twenties, she had more than thirty thousand dollars in the bank. In fact, Lisa only felt safe if she could pay for something in cash. Because she grew up poor, she developed a scarcity mindset about money. Lisa saw money as a limited commodity, and she couldn’t have enough of it to feel secure.
Many people think that saving money is about willpower. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Your ability to become debt-free and financially solvent is all about your innermost feelings about money. Many of us don’t even understand what those feelings mean unless we really think about our earliest perceptions about money. Once you know the answer, you can take that first step forward to solving your money problems.
Wake Up And Be Happy! By Erica Rueschhoff
Moms, have you ever thought ‘is this all there is to life’? There’s got to be something more than changing another diaper, doing another load of clothes, making another meal, picking up another mess, and putting everyone to bed so you can wake up and do it all over again.
As the mother of 4 children, I can honestly say…”Yes”, I have thought all of these things plus lots more. These thoughts would make me feel guilty and think I was a terrible mother because I was so blessed to have these children and all the to-do’s that go with it. But, I couldn’t help feeling like there was supposed to be more and that it should be easy to be happy doing these things.
If you are having these same thoughts and feelings, you need to stop and ask yourself some hard questions. When I finally did this I began a journey of self discovery that now allows me to Wake Up and Be Happy!
Here are a few questions you should ask yourself:
· Do I neglect myself?
· Am I doing what I’m doing to meet someone else’s expectations of me?
· Do I have a dream/goal that I keep setting aside and often think about the day I could explore and achieve it?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, here are some things to think about and take action on to begin your journey to discovering how to Wake Up Happy:
1. Make yourself a priority. Make sure that you are eating right, getting proper rest, exercising, finding quiet time for praying or reflecting on the things going on in your life. When you take time for this you will be amazed at how much more energy you have to accomplish things. It always reminds me of the flight attendants speech to ‘first put the oxygen mask on yourself, and then on the person next to you.’ Consider these things your oxygen and without it you can’t be your best or do your best to help those around you.
2. Stop right now doing things because other people expect you to do them or to do them a certain way. Just as an example many moms go through the fanatical cleaning routine, because ‘what would others think’. Well, I’m here to give you permission to tell yourself – Who Cares What They Think! You need to do things that bring you joy and happiness and if dusting 5 times a week doesn’t do that for you, don’t do it. I’ve been through this myself and have finally achieved a balance I can live with. A home is for living and enjoying and honestly when I go somewhere and there isn’t a thing out of place and not one dust bunny to be found I think there must not be a lot of fun and happiness that happens here.
3. Recapture your dreams and goals. Allow yourself to rediscover what you are passionate about and give yourself permission to begin to explore that and find that other purpose that was meant for your life. This will make you an even better mother; because once you are living in your full purpose you are going to be more energetic and dynamic than ever before. What a great quality for your children to see! They will learn from you how to be passionate and pursue their dreams and goals, while being loved and cared for by an amazing mom! That is one legacy worth leaving.
Get started answering these questions for yourself and before you know it, you will be Waking Up Happy everyday of your life.
Staying Fit Beyond 40 by Alice Greene
Something happens right around the time you turn forty. Your body suddenly seems to change and you don’t feel as in control with your weight, health or energy. It’s as if everything starts to catch up with you or what used to work no longer does. When I turned 42 that is just what happened to me. My diet no longer worked to keep the weight off, my lack of fitness meant I couldn’t get my baggage into the overhead bins and I was feeling more pain when I moved. Added to that, my stress was making me too sick to function. I felt like everything was out of control.
Not everyone turning forty has this experience, but if my clients are any indication most notice a shift and it worries them. No one wants to feel or look old and the good news is most of us do look ten years younger than in previous generations. Yet many don’t feel so young and struggle with weight in ways they never did in the past. Women going through menopause have an even tougher time, not only with the extra roll around the middle, but with the stress of its symptoms.
I was fortunate and discovered a way to take back control, which changed my lifestyle, body and career. I learned what I needed to do to become fit after turning forty and stay that way, and it wasn’t quite what I expected nor what I had ever done before. The answer wasn’t to do as much cardio as I could, follow restrictive diets or focus most of my time on strength training. That didn’t work, which might seem confusing. It seems to work for those who are younger. Yet overdoing anything or doing them to extremes after a certain age tends to backfire and take a toll on your body.
What works is a balanced approach to fitness that you can do consistently. The two key words here are balance and consistency. Consistency is what matters if you are going to succeed at getting and then staying fit, healthy and in control of your weight. Even if you are consistently just doing a little bit, you will be more successful than if you start and stop healthier habits and exercising. The most obvious reason is it’s difficult to restart again, which puts what you’ve accomplished at risk if you wait too long to get back to it.
There is another downside to yo-yoing back and forth that impacts your body. It is well understood now that when you diet you lower your metabolism, which doesn’t bounce back when you stop dieting and resume eating more food. The more often you do this, the more depressed your metabolism gets. On the exercise front, there is now evidence that people who frequently stop and start exercising are gaining more weight when they return to inactivity than if they had remained inactive. In addition they have a harder time losing that weight after returning to their exercise routine. Why is not yet understood. That would explain a lot if it is true. It also reinforces the need to look at exercising, healthy eating, stress reduction, and any other fitness change as a way of living and not as a program that has a goal and end date.
Which brings me to balance. Balance means many different things, but in context to a healthy lifestyle it means all things in moderation and avoiding extremes in any one thing. When you are young you can get away with no sleep, occasion attempts at sports, yo-yo exercise, high intensity activities or being a weekend adventurer. After forty your body can’t take that abuse and pushing yourself too hard leads to injury, chronic pain, stress and illness.
A balanced approach to fitness feels so good you want to do it regularly. The emphasis is on variety, choosing things you enjoy, doing what feels good physically, stopping when you don’t feel well, and stretching yourself a bit without overdoing it. The way to start is gradually, focusing on what you know you can do and building your confidence with each success, knowing you can do a little more. What I learned is the more did, the more I could do and the more I wanted to do to improve my fitness and health. I also learned that because it was balanced, I could easily integrate the changes into my lifestyle and stay consistent. That is how I have been able to stay fit beyond 40 these past seven years and it is proving to be the answer for many others. How can you begin to introduce a balanced approach into your lifestyle?
